Get over yourself!

My client, Caleb, has recently been increasing his vegetable and water intake and told me he’s proud of those changes. I commended him and asked, “Do you feel proud of yourself?” He took a moment and responded, “No, I’m not there.”

Over the years, Caleb has talked about his upbringing, how he was a stranger to feeling nurtured and cared for by his parents, and how his mother routinely belittled him even into adulthood. Shortly after marrying, he learned his wife was much like his mother, frequently telling him he was untalented and would amount to nothing.

Fifty years later, Caleb is highly respected in his line of work, wealthy, and on the board of directors of a large museum and opera company. He has strong relationships with his two sons and adores his grandchildren. Despite all this, decades-old “lessons” from people who deprived him of love and support prevent Caleb from feeling good about himself today.

Few among us haven’t struggled with self-esteem due to the stories and identities we formed while growing up. Before being diagnosed with a hidden learning disability, my struggles in school were interpreted as failing to apply myself, for which I was reprimanded. Along with having an absent father and frequent bouts of asthma, I was convinced I was dumb, broken, and not good enough.

Today, I recognize I’m an intelligent, talented, and kind-hearted man with much to be grateful for. Sometimes, however, those stories of old will visit, bringing the chatter of self-doubt and not-enoughness.

Sound familiar? You can get out of your head, get over yourself, and reconnect to a positive mind frame with the following exercise:

1. Create a list of your strengths, talents, and qualities you’re grateful for and appreciate. Don’t censor yourself or regard anything as inconsequential. My list includes my listening skills, dependability, and my homemade turkey burritos.

2. Next, add what your friends and loved ones respect and admire about you and how you add to their lives. These people see all the good in you, even when you struggle to do so. Seeing yourself through their lens reduces self-criticism and boosts esteem.

3. Then add the “little things” easily taken for granted in life but would be desperately missed if taken away—healthy lungs, my five senses, and easy access to food and water are just a few of the things I included. Having these precious gifts affirms how blessed I am. They call me to action and inspire me to use what I have in service to others, offering me more grist for my self-appreciation positivity mill.

Many live with a self-appreciation deficit, and this exercise can turn that around. To get the most from it, spend time reading your list frequently. It’s proof of your goodness, validation for a healthy self-image, and a reminder that your stories of old are rooted in falsehoods. Recently, while going through an emotionally challenging period, I taped my list by the bathroom mirror, and read from it frequently.

Make this a fun and ongoing project by continuing to add acts of kindness to your list and things you appreciate. You may find yourself seeking opportunities to uplift others and experiencing more gratitude. There’s never too much to feel good about and grateful for.

To get the upper hand on your "stories of old,” what do you think of this strategy? I’d love to hear your thoughts and learn other approaches that have helped you loosen the bonds of self-doubt and negativity.