A planted seed for resentment?
My former client, Dora, and I would take “power walks” along the beach twice a week. Her stride, fast and powerful, conveyed, “Watch out, coming through!” She’s a psychologist with a no-nonsense approach toward her patients who wouldn’t sugarcoat her opinions or advice. She said she’s not a “touchy-feely type of shrink,” and that her therapy style wasn’t for everyone, but her calendar was full with a wait-list.
On one of our beach walks, the topic of disciplining children came up, and she recounted a story about her son, Travis, who was 8 years old and the youngest of three children.
One evening, Travis asked Dora what was for dinner, and when she told him, he began having a tantrum and protested. Dora explained to him, “Don’t worry, you don’t have to eat what the rest of us are having…but there won’t be anything else prepared. It’s no problem if you want to skip dinner tonight.”
“Fine, I will!!,” Travis exclaimed and stormed off to his room, where he remained for hours. Shortly before bedtime, Dora said he came out with his shoulders slumped and head hanging down. His face wore an expression of longing, which Dora interpreted as, “You’re not really going to send me to bed hungry, are you?” Her answer— “You made your decision. Now you need to live with it.”
Listening to her story, I told her that sounded a bit tough for a little kid, which she said was exactly the point. She explained that she runs the household and is the decision-maker, and therefore, there’s little the children get to vote on, including the dinner menu.
“None of my kids have food allergies, and I’m not going to prepare a separate meal for one of them because they’re not in the mood for what I’m making.” Her intention, she continued, was to teach Travis that some decisions in life come with consequences that should be thought through and that being stubborn typically doesn’t pay off. Since then, Dora added, there’s been no repeat episode of a dinner tantrum.
On one hand, I see Dora’s perspective. She works hard, handles many responsibilities, and having dinner preplanned makes evenings run smoothly. I also know that a non-diabetic child missing dinner on one night isn’t harmful, just uncomfortable.
It seemed Travis and his siblings received a similar approach to Dora’s patients. I couldn't help but think that keeping the kids tightly under her thumb could foster resentment and affect her relationships with them as they age.
I’m not a parent, and I acknowledge that I may be naive and completely wrong. Maybe her kids will become resilient, self-aware, and confident adults with a great affection for their mom and an appreciation for her parenting style.
I’m interested in your opinion of Dora’s approach. Was this a valuable lesson for Travis, a planted seed for resentment, or something in between?
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Slipstream
It's impossible to predict how Travis will process that incident, as well as all the other rules that don't fit in with what he wants to do. It's tough being a parent. You want to show love to your kids, but they are going to leave the nest one day, and if they always got their way, the world would quickly slap them down. I believe there has to be a balance, where love is always present and expressed, but life rules are also demonstrated in practical family situations.
That said, how Travis interprets it and what he does with it as an adult is up to Travis and his personality. One thing may work great on one child, but totally messes up another. Unfortunately, no handbook comes with the baby, but it wouldn't help anyway because they're all different.
Evangel
I agree with Slipstream. Ultimately, every parent must realize that how they treat their child is often a reflection of how they were parented growing up. Harsh behaviors toward children are either a result of the parent believing it's the correct approach or lies in the parent's own frustrations and inability to deal with a challenging child.
I wonder if Dora mentioned what her relationship with Travis is like today. That might have provided some insight into whether or not her parenting approach paid off.
Sanatana
As a parent, I can see it both ways, although I would struggle with myself sending my child hungry. Dora's was a type of tough love. It worked for her in the moment, but who knows what the future repercussions might be. Hard to say.
Good article.