Press pause and choose a higher road
I’ve recently read some articles about Stoicism, an ancient philosophy that teaches the value of self-discipline, virtue, and rationality. To the Stoic, self-discipline means remaining emotionally neutral, despite what life may bring.
One of its figureheads was the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius, and among his popular quotes is, “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
While on my way to a client session last weekend, I put this perspective into practice, courtesy of a fellow driver.
I was heading down a two-lane avenue, and a car approaching from the opposite direction surprised me by making an illegal U-turn into my lane. What happened next was more surprising. The driver stuck out his arm with his middle finger extended and held it there for a good 10 seconds.
“What the hell,” I thought in disbelief. I hadn’t done anything aggressive, wasn’t tailgating him, and I hadn’t even honked my horn, so why was he flipping me off?
Finger still perched out his window, my disbelief grew into anger, and I felt the impulse to return his gesture and even pull alongside to give him a piece of my mind. Fortunately, I had enough sense to know this could invite a road-rage incident I wanted no part of.
He continued straight as I turned right, feeling offended and irritated. Pulling up to my client’s home, I sat for a couple of minutes with some deep breaths. Borrowing from Aurelius, I was able to press pause and shift my perspective. I thought, “If I keep feeling bothered about this, it’s because I’m choosing to.” The driver was a jerk, but it was a big deal only if I continued making it one.
I walked to my client’s door, leaving the driver and his middle finger behind me.
Modern life and the current social climate can keep stress high and patience short. Common, everyday situations can too easily stir negative thoughts and feelings within us that simply aren’t worth it. The Amazon van parked in front of our driveway, the slow-moving checkout line at the market, and drivers making poor decisions, for example.
Taking a cue from Aurelius can shift our perspective, inject objectivity and proper context into such scenarios, sparing us those negative, unnecessary, and overblown reactions.
That said, I agree with the emperor up to a point. To completely avoid feeling “distressed by anything external” is impossible, and could get you diagnosed as psychotic. If a friend got hurt in a car accident or my parents lost their savings in a Ponzi scheme, you’d better believe I’d be distressed.
How does this Stoic philosophy sit with you? Has a situation evoked a negative emotional response where you were able to press pause, examine your reaction, and choose a higher road? If so, I’d love to hear about it.
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Present Valley
So true, so real in our world today. There are probably weekly examples out of everyone's life.
Thank you for sharing this piece of wisdom.
A friend of many years angrily confronted me recently about the infrequency of my listening to the news and my choice of news sources and political leanings as well as my lack of compassion and interest in her views. They are very different and this has been an issue for awhile.
As I was listening, I did feel angry and hurt, attacked and criticized. I knew I could not say a word until I took a few minutes to recover from being blindsided and pray for the words to respond to her. In those minutes I realized what she was saying to me really wasn't about my choices...she's just upset with the way of the world. It also became very clear I disappointed her and while I could separate the personal from the political she could not.
While our friendship did end that day and I am sad about that the experience was something I did not want to carry around. I think it was appropriate for me to have feelings to process. I gave myself time to do that so I could let them go.
As the Israel/Iran bombings occurred recently I was able to send her a text inquiring about the safety of her family in Israel. That was the way I knew I had let go and moved on. And I wish her peace of mind.
Well Street
This sounds like a very challenging incident, and taking time to process your thoughts and feelings was the best thing you could do for yourself.
I'm sorry your friendship has seemingly ended, yet you remain open-heartedly compassionate to her familial struggles, and I hope that brings you some peace.
Slipstream
Your piece is right on the button. Going the Stoic route is much more pleasing and safe than choosing to get even. Fortunately, I rarely run into the kind of person you encountered, but when I do, after a brief hissy, I do my best to let it go because I don't like the way it makes me feel.
Lately, I've experimented with wearing a small smile, (the corners of my mouth slightly upturned) when I'm in public. I'm finding that my mind and body feel more uplifted, and I get a lot more acknowledgement and return smiles than I expected. It's been a pleasant surprise.
Evangel
I've heard that adding a smile to your face is the best makeup a woman can wear.
Evangel
What a story! I think it's great that you handled yourself so well. I also think more people have become rageoholics, fully addicted to their fuse being lit. The emboldened self becomes saturated in its superiority and self-righteousness, and it finds comfort in letting loose, just as it would after a fifth of Johnny Walker. Worse, the leader of our country mollycoddles such people, bolstering their intolerance, rage and superiority through his own addiction to anger. One day, all those people, in their own time and in their own way, will hit rock bottom. Only then will they wake up from their stupor and decide there's got to be a better way to live.
Wilsons Grave
I once knew a man who was intent on being a good Buddhist. He said he was trying to get to a place where if his parents were to be killed in a car accident, he'd have no upset and take it in stride. But he showed great distress over the daily reminders he had not yet achieved his goal. I told him to get real. If we didn't have emotions, there'd be no drama or comedy on tv or in the theaters. There's a lot in between rage and nirvana, and I'm good with that.