Kitchen mishaps and self-compassion
A few weeks ago, my stomach grumbled with hunger, and turkey chili with rice was the antidote. I poured the ingredients into a glass container and as I went to place it in the microwave, it slipped from my hands. As if in slow motion, my lunch crashed onto the floor, breaking the glass and sending the chili and rice in every direction with splatter that looked like a murder scene.
With a jump in my heart rate and a spike in adrenalin, I stared wide-eyed at the mess, wondering how I did this. As I carefully picked up and threw away pieces of the broken container, gathered fistfuls of paper towels and a wet sponge, and got to work cleaning the chili off the floor and walls, I noticed something—I hadn’t thrown a cus-laden fit or launched into a tirade for having dropped the food.
It took about 20 minutes to get the kitchen looking normal, and I felt pleased that I’d taken the situation in stride, didn’t get mad at myself, and instead exercised some self-compassion—it was just one of those things that sometimes happens. I wish this was how the story ended, but wait—there’s more.
Several days later, I was once again craving chili and rice. I repeated the preparation steps and…CRASH, I did it again!!! I dropped another container onto the same spot with another huge mess. This time, my reaction was far different.
Multiple F-bombs were dropped, my fists pounded my thighs in frustration, and my harsh and berating words wrapped around and squeezed me like a python. With yet another lunch spilled and a mess to clean, I blew up and then proceeded to get madder about blowing up. Bye-bye, self-compassion.
That night, I reflected on the kitchen mishaps and saw parallels in my work with clients. Specifically, I collaborate with them in modifying and adopting behaviors to improve their health and fitness. I explain to them that progress is never a straight line—challenges and setbacks will occur. We discuss that by accepting this and extending grace and compassion to themselves when those challenges happen, they can get back in the saddle and avoid giving in to discouragement and a failure mindset.
I was reminded this is a core principle of fostering self-compassion. There will be challenges, setbacks, and spilled lunches. Just as I encourage my clients to do, showing myself grace and compassion can offset the impulse to get down on myself and feed negativity.
Psychologist Kristin Neff began researching the idea of self-compassion about 20 years ago, and she says it’s comprised of three concepts:
Common Humanity
Here we acknowledge that even though our challenges and stressors can feel like they’re ours alone, they're a normal part of our collective human experience, and no one is exempt. When we embrace the truth of our common humanity, we gain a greater capacity to connect with others, access the depth of our emotions, and build a practice of self-compassion.
Mindfulness
At the core of being mindful is the ability to recognize the stress we are experiencing and put our most painful feelings into words. By labeling our feelings, be they physical, mental, or emotional, we promote calm, clarity, and reduce the fight-flight response. Psychotherapist Natacha Duke says having the body and mind in the same place goes hand in hand with building self-compassion.
Self-kindness
When we feel compassion and support ourselves as we would a loved one, our inner critic is silenced. In our quieter state of mind, we can feel our needs are important and begin to meet them accordingly (resting, asking for help, setting boundaries). Self-kindness not only reduces our anxiety and depression, it boosts our resilience and joy.
The next time my inner critic wants to push me around, I’m trying an exercise recommended by Ms. Duke—writing a letter to myself from the perspective of my best friend. By writing the words of kindness and support they’d give me, I’ll likely see my situation from a healthier and non-judgmental viewpoint and direct my empathy inward.
What’s your take on this topic? If self-compassion plays a lead role in your life, I’d love to hear about how you got there, whether it’s something you’ve always had or was built through practice and life experience.
If this is an area you wrestle with, you’re far from alone, and I hope you find this article beneficial.
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Slipstream
This article was so familiar. When I mess up or drop something, not even to the extent of your accidents, I have a tendency to target myself with a couple of specific unkind words. I acknowledge I shouldn't do that, that there's no reason for that unkindness, and yet when I flub up, out come the words. I'll use your article to retrain myself to be kinder and gentler with my words. Thank you!
Serenity Township
Thanks for this post. I see it as an important roadmap of where to head to…with the goal of learning self compassion.
Evangel
I love your honesty, and thank you for mentioning this is part of our shared humanity and no one is exempt.
Your story brings to mind the expression, "don't cry over spilled milk" because from a very early age, children do spill milk and frustrated parents often do overreact and bring the child to tears. As adults we no longer cry over such mishaps, but "the sins of the father" are visited upon us from some deep place inside.