Can you take a compliment?

A few years ago I was in a training session with my client, Lawrence. During a rest break between exercises, he asked me where I went to university. With a moment of hesitation, I could feel my throat tighten as I told him I hadn’t gone to university, and my formal education ended with my Associate's Degree. Lawrence responded, “I’m really surprised. You’re probably one of the five smartest people I know.”

This compliment left me feeling a number of things simultaneously—flattered, a bit embarrassed, and stunned. Lawrence owned a prestigious art gallery in Los Angeles, traveled the world, and rubbed shoulders with multi-millionaires, and I was near the top of his list when it came to having smarts? I thanked him and was genuinely grateful, but I could sense there was part of me that struggled to accept it as truth, that he must not know me as well as he thinks he does. What was that about?

I’m not alone. Many people are inclined to minimize or outright dismiss compliments. Robyn E. Brickel, LMFT, of PsychAlive says that the struggle to receive compliments stems from the recipient’s inability to accept positive affect—one’s propensity to experience positive emotions and interact with others and life’s challenges in a positive way. She continues, “The ability to say thank you or smile when receiving a compliment shows that your heart is open to who you are—you’re able to take in those moments when someone sees the best in you and you see it too.”

The man I was when receiving Lawrence’s compliment didn’t see the best in himself or the positive qualities that other people did. I wanted to turn this around, and I began the process by asking myself if my family, friends, and colleagues who thought the best of me (intelligent, capable, kind, and reliable), were themselves smart and good judges of character. The answer was an emphatic Yes. I then asked if I was clever enough to effectively fool them all into seeing qualities in me that I didn’t actually possess—no, I wasn’t that clever. With this evidence, I began to accept my good press as truth and see myself through a more positive lens.

When given a compliment these days, I accept it with greater ease. I admit that I’ll sometimes hear a “Yeah, but…” in my head, but that’s okay. I recognize it comes from old wiring and beliefs that don’t apply to who I am now. I may have to tango with that old stuff for the rest of my days, and that’s okay, too, as long as I get to lead.

How about you—are you a pro at accepting compliments? If so, did your positive self-image come naturally to you, or was it something you acquired through life lessons? If you’re someone who currently wrestles with taking in people’s compliments and kindness, I hope you find this lesson helpful, and I welcome your thoughts.