Perils of People Pleasing

I meet with one of my personal training clients, Lisa, at a gym that’s in her apartment building, and since the start of the pandemic, there’s been a reservation system in place so that no more than one person at a time is working out.

There have been a few occasions when another tenant is in the gym when we arrive for our session, and Lisa tells them that she has this time reserved. Most are courteous, gather their stuff, and leave. On one occasion, however, a guy asked, “Is it cool if I stay?”. His vibe indicated that he was accustomed to getting his way with things, and his question sounded more like a statement. Lisa reiterated that this was her time, and with a hint of firmness in her voice, she added, “and I need you to leave.” His expression and body language made it clear that he wasn’t happy about this, but leave he did, muttering, “Whatever, I don’t see what the big deal is.” I told her that I admired that she felt comfortable doing that, and she matter of factly replied, “I don’t know him, he’s a stranger to me. If he’s upset, that’s his issue.” This was powerful because it demonstrated that Lisa believes that she’s worth standing up for.

Each of us deserves to feel this way about ourselves, but unfortunately, many do not; instead, choosing to hold their tongue or let something slide, in an effort to avoid a potentially uncomfortable interaction. Personally, I did this for many years, as I’m a people pleaser by nature. I’m very familiar with bending over backward and overly compromising to not ruffle feathers or rock the boat, and this extended to strangers, as well. By doing this, I may have avoided having someone annoyed or ticked off at me, but this behavior stirred feelings in me that were worse—disempowerment and resentment, and this did no favors for my self-esteem.

Deciding that I wanted to be as supportive of myself as I am of friends and loved ones, I began to accept that I can be my authentic and kind self, and at the same time, not lie down when someone wants to take advantage of a situation that will impact me unfairly. While my people-pleasing nature hasn’t gone away, I’m accepting that making it through life without some feather ruffling isn’t possible, and opportunities to stand up for myself and for what’s right aren’t to be avoided.

If you’re like Lisa, you know what it’s like to speak up and stand firmly for yourself. What advice might you have for the people pleasers who skirt around prickly or uncomfortable interactions, but may be wanting to create a shift of their own? Your valuable experience could help impact the self-esteem and growth of others.