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How to rewire the judge and jury inside your brain
When it comes to living healthy lifestyles, many people’s experience is like driving with the parking brake on—they may be doing some things that support good health while routinely doing other things that work against it.
My client, Janice, has her parking brake on. She does three training sessions with me weekly where she works hard and likes to jokingly complain about how much she’s sweating. Her parking brake is common: consuming high-calorie foods and diet sodas daily.
In the years I’ve known her, modifying her nutrition to any degree has been off-limits. She enjoys rich foods and sweets, but they’re also a coping mechanism to ease the pain of unresolved issues and self-acceptance struggles. These foods provide her short-term comfort, but the consequences are elevated body fat and a recent diagnosis of prediabetes and high cholesterol. Despite this, her dietary habits are unchanged.
At the start of a recent session, Janice said, “I didn’t do cardio over the weekend like I said I would, though I binge-watched a show with some ice cream bars.” I’ve learned that attempting to explore this behavior, even from a place of gentle curiosity, triggers her defenses. But because I care about her health and well-being, I felt some frustration and judgment about her parking brake remaining firmly set.
So, as Janice warmed up on an exercise bike, I stepped back and took a long breath, reflecting on why she’s still coming to me after all these years. Watching her pedal, I reminded myself that beyond increasing her strength and flexibility, she benefits from the safe, nonjudgmental space I’ve provided, and she also gets to leave each session feeling empowered and cared for instead of "not good enough."
After Janice’s session, I accepted the truth that I’m not in the business of judging the choices she (or anyone else) makes, but I can control my frustration and judgmental tendencies. By sitting with that realization, my frustration eased and I felt more relaxed—I even felt liberated from the fear that Janice’s choices might lead to her diminished health.
Reframing our perception of someone we’re judging is not always easy, but try we must if we want to feel good internally and mentally. This includes reframing the judging we do of ourselves. One place to start is by replacing judgmental thoughts with more positive ones. Doing so will stop your judgmental thoughts and, with enough practice, will rewire your brain to be more chill about how others choose to live their lives. Here are three examples I can leave you with to get you started:
Example 1: Change “That guy's a jerk,” to “They may be having a rough day.”
Example 2: Replace “This is too tough, I’ll never figure it out,” with “I don’t understand it yet, but I’ll keep working at it.”
Example 3: Substitute “He must not care much about himself with that behavior,” with “He has his struggles, as we all do.”
I’m curious to learn if you’ve faced a Janice-type situation where someone’s well-being mattered to you and their actions worked against it. What approach did you take, and what was the outcome? I welcome your thoughts.
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Slipstream
I've learned that judging another puts a wedge between my heart and the other person, and judging myself closes my heart. Both are harmful to me mentally and physically.
Judgment doesn't bring about change. Compassion and love foster change, but don't guarantee it. We all have to be responsible to ourselves and if we're not, that's our business. We are still loveable.
Thanks for the re-wiring suggestions. I agree 100% that changing, replacing, and substituting a negative thought with a positive one are keys to peace — peace with another and with ourselves.
Well Street
It's a dedicated practice to catch our judgmental thoughts and give them the "benefit of the doubt" treatment. Mindfulness exercises like deep breathing, journaling, time in nature, etc., will enhance the awareness of thoughts and serve the re-wiring process.
Thank you for your comment.
Evangel
I don't think I know one person who hasn't risked their well-being for some pleasure. Everyone has a personal vice that tempts them to indulge during their weakest moments. My vice is chocolate cake, donuts, and french pastries. I avoid them largely, but not always. It's a stress buster.
Basically, we are all like Janice, so we can have compassion for her. And it seems that's the place you arrived at despite your initial frustration.
Your examples of positive replacement thoughts are excellent. We should all make a list of the negative thoughts we consume, and then craft a positive thought that will replace each one.
Well Street
Your suggestion of listing negative and judgmental thoughts for reframing is great. Further benefits would come from digging for the source of those judgments since many are rooted in envy or seeing something we don't like about ourselves in another person.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Evangel
True. Such thoughts may also be rooted in neediness or feeling rebuffed in some way from the person you’re judging.