How to Silence a One-upper

A few days ago, I took a break from cataloguing books and went outside to a small garden next to the library for a breath of fresh air. 

Just as I sat down, 2 women came out and sat right next to me. I was annoyed at first but as there was no other place to sit, I stayed on and then got quite entranced with their conversation.

“I’ve always loved this garden,” said one of the women. “It’s like being in another world…so calm and peaceful…but it sure is hot!”

“Hot! You call this hot? In Thailand they don’t call anything hot unless it’s over 100 degrees! And they certainly don’t complain!”

“Thailand must be amazing!” said the other woman, letting the one-up comment pass. “A good friend—an engineer—went there years ago for work and never left. He has one of those unusual Greek names—Basil Radoumis…” But before she could finish, the other woman cut her off.

“Well, I know someone named Fanis Forfoukies…and he’s a doctor, and he travels the world…and plays polo!”

“Polo? I didn’t know anyone played anymore—except King Charles—that is…but I did go to a match once years ago and took a picnic.”

“A picnic!” said the other woman. “Whenever I go to a Polo match I always have it catered.”

Now the other woman had some serious annoyance in her voice when she quipped: “Has anyone ever mentioned that you seem to excel at everything including one-upmanship…or in your case it would probably be two-upmanship! If I say I jogged 3 miles you’ve jogged 7, and if I said Tucson is fabulous, you’d probably say Threeson is better.”

“I would not! I’d come right out and say it’s Phoenix.”

At this point I decided to leave them to their conversation, but later that night I decided to do some research on what one-upmanship really is.

It seems the term “one-upmanship" was coined around 1950 when an English writer/humorist Stephen Potter wrote the book “One Upmanship.” 

The premise of the tongue-and-cheek book is to know and memorize useless bits of trivia you can interject into conversations about a variety of topics like wine appreciation or art that give the “one-upman” an air of superiority. 

“When having wine at a dinner party,” writes Potter, “say something boldly meaningless about the taste of the wine that no one knows what you’re talking about…like it has too many tramlines (the word doesn’t exist) or some such random thing.” 

Another one-up technique from Potter’s book is to talk percentages, “Did you know the consumption of ‘treated vermouth’ rose from 47.5% in 1924 to 58.9% in 1926?”

And if all else fails, he suggests: “Bring up the subject of cork trees and the life cycle of the tree’s parasite Vinoferous Demoliens, and go into detail on how these vermin effect cork production.”

He also suggests changing the subject often and then talking about something completely ridiculous “like a collection of ‘rare debased Roman coins’ now being shown at Walthamstow that you should absolutely not miss seeing.”

While his ideas of one-upmanship are dated English-snobbery-funny…there is nothing funny about being one-upped, and by this it is meant…not as the occasional burst of concurrent and excited interruption or the earnest desire to pass on helpful information but the constant and chronic need to top whatever someone else is saying. 

According to the Urban Dictionary (a bit too brutal in my opinion), “The boasts and claims of the one-upman are actually a cry for help from an unconfident person who has an extreme inferiority complex…resulting in a mental disorder that requires the sufferers to constantly feel the need to prove themselves by verbally competing with comments made by others to show they are better (or know more) than you.”

Another term for one-upmanship also mentioned in the Urban Dictionary is the Balloon Popper Syndrome, where one selfishly deflates another’s enjoyment of telling a story by interrupting with their own “better story or topper” so they can feel good about themselves and get that hit of Dopamine.

What to do about chronic one-uppers?  First, recognize who they are (sometimes it takes awhile) and then do expect to be one-upped in the conversation. Know they can’t help themselves—it’s almost like a nervous tic, and according to some on-line gurus it usually stems from deep seated jealously. 

But no matter where it stems from, the thing to do is have our own egos under control and let the one-up comment slide by. As Carlos Castaneda says, “Most of our problems arise from our own sense of self-importance.” Put the ego aside and then it’s just a comment. 

Classic one-uppers look at conversations as competitions, and getting a rise out of you is their goal. By not reacting (getting defensive or trying to one-up them), you end up ultimately one-upping them in a kind and gracious manner…and it also takes all the fun out of it for them.

Another trick to employ, shortly after the one-up, cut the conversation short by saying something like, “anyway (a good transition word to use whenever you want to end a conversation), I have to go now, but let’s talk soon!”