Talking Refrigerator Needs a Gag Order!

One of the things I love about being a librarian is you can tell people to be quiet when they are talking and they have to listen (or comply). I wish I had that power in the outside world like the other day when I dropped into Chipotle for a chicken salad.

As I started to eat, the table next to me filled up with a group of youngish people who looked like colleagues out for lunch. There were 6 in all opening their bags of chips and pouring salsa over their food, chatting and laughing.

Then a rather tall young woman with a stark white floor length dress with large shoulder pads and a shiny silver belt headed over to the group. She reminded me of a refrigerator on wheels as she floated toward the table holding a glass of ice water and took the seat at the head of the table.

“OMG,” said the smiley woman to her left, “aren’t you going to eat anything?”

“Oh, no,” said the woman in white, who happened to have a very loud voice. “I’m dieting...actually I’m taking medication to curb my appetite...and just looking at food makes me want to throw up.”

“Oh, gee,” said the other woman, as she pulled her plate a little closer to her chest. “Maybe you shouldn’t be around food, if it makes you feel like that.”

“Oh, no....I’m fine” she went on. “I’ll just watch you...and eat vicariously! It has a lot less calories. Ha ha ha! Boy, you sure have a big appetite. Are you going to be able to eat all that food?”

As she prattled on, the two women closest to her were in obvious distress. If we were at the library at this moment I would definitely give her the finger (a librarian term for putting your index finger over your pursed lips) and then direct her to the 1907 classic, “The Art of Conversation.” She had already broken Golden Rule #5–which is basically don’t bore everyone to death with constant talking. Let others talk, too.

She continued on, “Yes, I’ve been on all the diets. Keto, carnivore, paleo—where you only”…but before she could finish her sentence she burped. Now she had the attention of everyone, as a quiet pall spread across the table.

“Excuse me! It’s the cabbage soup...it causes gas,” she went on. “I’m glad it was just a burp, if you know what I mean.” She chuckled, amused by her own joke. “Next month Colin and I are going to Aruba. You can practically live in your bathing suit.”

One of the young men at the end of the table, gallantly tried to intervene in the monologue. “I was just in Aruba last month, and we stayed at the”… but before he could continue she interrupted, “Colin and I have been to Aruba 9 times and no matter where you stayed, unless of course it was the Swaying Palm, you can’t get the full experience!” By this time, everyone at the table was looking down at their food and eating as fast as possible.

More conversational Golden Rules broken as she continued. “The Palm, as the natives call it, is fabulous and their Spa is amazing. They do bikini waxing, Rolfing, and then at night, past-life regressions. Last year they told me in another life I was Aimee Semple McPherson.”

“Who is that?” someone asked, while the person next to him rolled his eyes. The woman next to him started to answer, “She was a famous evangelist….”

“Stop right there!” said the refrigerator, “I’m the one who was Aimee in a past life and if anyone knows about her…it’s me!”

I had finished my salad and had heard enough, and as I got up to leave I could hear her voice droning on and on, “she disappeared somewhere off Venice beach….I’m sure that’s why I have a fear of water….everywhere except Aruba, of course!”

On the way home I remembered a quote from Helen Gurley Brown, the original editor of Cosmopolitan Magazine. “Never fail to know, if you’re doing all the talking, you are boring someone.”

Once home, I went into my library and pulled out my copy of “The Art of Conversation” by Josephine Turck Baker. In the book she writes of the Twelve Golden Rules for being an artful conversationalist. It seems the lady in white violated them all… or at least most. They are good to know or maybe pass on if you happen to have a Talking Refrigerator in your life—so I will be posting thoughts on Twelve Golden Rules soon.

The Art of Conversation can be downloaded as a Pdf or purchased at one of the online sellers such as ebay, Abebooks or Amazon.