Gummos And Other Dirty, Secret Codes

I was in the produce department at the market the other day, and couldn’t help but notice 2 women who were having a rather animated conversation. So, naturally, I moved my cart over to hear what was going on.

As I got closer, it seems they were arguing, of all things, about an avocado.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” said one of the women who was holding a rather large avocado in her left hand. “Now I want to get this straight,” she went on. “You’re telling me the number 94770 on this sticker is an area code? I just have to ask, why would anyone put an area code on an avocado?”

“Well,” said the other woman triumphantly, “so they would know where to send it back in case of a recall!”

“Oh, really,” said the first woman raising her voice. “It’s a good thing you don’t work for the post office, or you’d be sending salsa and chips through the mail too!”

“Ladies, ladies” said a man shaking his head as he walked over to the 2 women. “Please keep your voices down!”

“Who are YOU?” asked one of the women, clearly annoyed at the intrusion.

“I happen to be the produce manager,” the man said, “...and the number you're referring to is the P.L.U. code!”

“P.L.U.!” said one of the women, “It sounds like a terrorist organization.”

The manager overlooked her comment and continued on. “It’s the Price Look-Up code…and WE in the produce business know that even though it’s small, it has a HUGE importance.”

“Like what?” said one of the women.

“Where it was grown and how it was grown,” said the manager. “For example, if it’s 5 digits long and starts with a 9…it’s fine, meaning it’s ORGANIC, but...” said the manager with great seriousness, “if it has 4 digits and starts with a 4, it’s fair to BEWARE, because it’s been sprayed with pesticides and grown with artificial fertilizers.”

One of the women mumbled something unintelligible as she recoiled in horror.

“And, at one time,” he went on, “there was a code that started with an 8, meaning it was genetically engineered but sadly it’s hardly ever used these days.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad my avocado is organic and not an area code! And what about the other numbers?” asked the woman.

“They tell the kind of produce,” the manager said reverently. Then, as if in a trance, he started reciting numbers. “4770 for a Hass avocado, 94770 if it’s organic, 4744 for a radish…94744 if it’s organic, 4823 for a turnip,” but before he could continue he was interrupted by a man who was waving his hands in the air, “what about my banana?”

“That would be 4011,” said the manager automatically.

“I got it in the organic section but it’s marked 4011.”

“It got moved by mistake. Always read the labels, they never lie,” said the manager. “Any more questions?”

“Well first, I do stand corrected about the area code,” said the woman, “but I do have a question that’s been troubling me for some time…what EXACTLY is a gummo?”

“Gummo,” said the manager shaking his head, “I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“It says right here,” she said, pointing to the top of a carton of tomatoes, “in very small print…non gummo!”

“It’s not gummo!” said the other woman as she rolled her eyes, “It’s G…M…O with each letter said separately! Of course non GMO means the produce was not genetically modified…that’s where they take…”

“Oh, you don’t have to tell ME what genetically modified means… that’s why I would never buy an ear of corn or a head of lettuce!”

It was time for me to continue my shopping, and I could still hear them arguing as I went and put back all the potatoes with the stickers that read 4072, (considered, by the way, as “traditionally grown” as opposed to organically grown) and replaced them with those marked 94072.