Are You Getting High on the Sound of Your Voice?
“There can be no doubt of all the accomplishments prized in modern society that of being agreeable in conversation is the very first.” J.P. Mahaffy 1887.
Thoughts about what it takes (or doesn’t take) to be a good conversationalist go back a few thousand years to the time of the Roman orator, Cicero, who wondered, “Why there is ample guidance about oratory but nothing about conversation and yet there should be.” So to rectify the missing principles, he wrote some beginning rules that included: speak clearly, speak easily but…not too much… and don’t interrupt.
Talking too much or monopolizing the conversation (filibustering) is always on any list of what to avoid in agreeable, pleasant conversation. And there have been, and are, many lists of rules written over the years by scholars and statesmen, educators and new-agers, on this very topic.
In 1907, author and publisher Josephine Turck Baker wrote, “The Art of Conversation and the Twelve Golden Rules.” The book takes the novel approach of 2 imaginary conversationalists who congratulate themselves “on not being boring…like everyone else” while they break all their own rules. At Golden Rule Number V—not doing all the talking—they both go on long boring rants and then applaud each other for being such wonderful listeners.
It is now suggested that talking—monologuing—or being the dominant speaker, or even hearing your own voice, can cause the brain to release dopamine. This feel-good neurotransmitter and the pleasant feeling that comes along with it can be quite addictive, and can lead to this type of incessant talking.
One good rule of thumb to avert conversational overload is to practice the 50/50 rule. Between 2 people, talk and listen in equal proportion. In a group setting, or at a dinner party with 7 people for example, divide the time up in your mind and don’t exceed your share.
“Brevity flatters and is a courtesy,” wrote the Spanish Jesuit, Gracian in his book, “The Art of Worldly Wisdom,” where the quote is found under the chapter title “Don’t Be a Bore.” “Good things when short (speaking of conversation) are twice as good.” He also noted in his book published in 1647, that “the tongue is a wild beast…once let loose, it is difficult to chain.”
As the Stoic philosopher, Epictetus, wrote long ago, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we may listen twice as much as we speak.”
Slipstream
So much good advice. I'm sure there's at least one lesson in here for almost everyone. As a favor to ourselves and others, let's share this article everywhere we can.
Evangel
This is a helpful and timely lesson. Being agreeable in conversation seems to be a lost art. Too many people gleefully use conversation to subtly belittle others, grandstand, and have the last word. They don't realize their behavior is off-putting and undermines the validation they seek.
Well Street
We've all known people who have the annoying capacity to talk forever, seemingly without taking a breath. Talk about repelling behavior.
This article reminds me of a rule in coaching—in order to elicit important information from your client, offer a reflection of what they've said to you (so they know you're actively listening), followed by an open-ended question. This approach can be applied in any conversational setting.
Good things happen when someone feels listened to and that what they have to say is interesting.