Why Do We Feel Guilty and What Can We Do About It?

Guilt is a disruptive force in anyone’s life. People will rag on themselves continuously for missing the mark on the least of things: taking a longer lunch break, forgetting to send a “thank you” note, not having enough time to play with the cat—you name it. People feel guilty for just about anything, including not having enough hours during the day to complete all their tasks or fulfill all their obligations and responsibilities. But why do we feel guilt for so many things in the first place? It’s not as if being late to dinner makes us immoral.

At core, guilt is a genuine feeling of disappointment in oneself. It’s a self-assessing voice that reminds you you’ve fallen short of the personal goals you set for yourself. It tells you you’ve failed to meet the needs of others, co-workers, bosses, spouses, your kids. Worse, it may remind you you’re not living up to the expectations of society. At its worst, the voice of guilt morphs into a dictator who demands better of you while highlighting the consequences that await you if you don’t get your act together.

But is guilt ever productive?

If you’ve said or done something that’s unjust, unkind or unfair to others, your conscience will surely let you know. Chances are you’ll feel remorse and seek to remedy the hurt you caused. But having a conscience and having feelings of self-conjured guilt are very distinct emotions. The conscience comes through with a kinder voice that will guide you to make an apology, seek forgiveness, or make things right one way or another. Guilt, on the other hand, is an attack on yourself.

So how can you stop guilt from its ongoing assault on your spirit?

Understanding that guilt is your own creation is a helpful first step. While there may be those who attempt to lay a guilt trip on you, you are ultimately the one who takes their creative script and develops it into a full blown feature film that plays inside your head. And this also holds true for anytime you lay the guilt trip on yourself. The good news is you can write a new script with a different ending. Let’s say, for example, you were having a meltdown and unwittingly ate the last of the chocolate mint-chip ice cream that everyone loves. You can feel like a terrible person for not considering the others, or you can go to the store and replenish it and validate yourself for doing something enjoyable to reduce your stress level. You turn a negative feeling into a positive action.

Another helpful step is to understand that guilt always puts you in a bad light. Over time, this reduces your self-esteem which, in turn, reduces your happiness and increases your anxiety level. This can weaken your resolve to be true to yourself and follow your true north, making way for added guilt trips. So putting yourself in the best light is the way to go. For instance, you promised to take your friend to a doctor’s appointment, but an important business meeting suddenly comes up that you can’t get out of. Instead of feeling guilty for “abandoning” your friend, you arrange for them to have an alternative means of transportation to the doctor’s office, and later in the day you stop off to pay them a special visit. In this way, their needs are more than met, and you’re guilt-free—all because you’ve put yourself in the best light.

Lastly, if you believe you must be all things to all people excepting yourself, you will become a guilt magnet. Guilt is always about self-deprecation and self-flagellation which boils down to beating yourself up. Who needs that? What you can do instead, is remember you’re worthy and deserving of the gifts of self-service and self-love. By trusting that you are doing your best and feeling at your best when you make room to take care of yourself, you will easily keep the howling wolves of guilt at bay.