The haunting of saying nothing, nada, zippo, zero
Something has troubled me for the last week or more. It’s one of those small moments in life I’d like to pretend never happened, but then it starts to peck on your brain reminding you, like you did something wrong.
What happened was I went to a department store to see if I could get me a new shirt for a wedding that’s coming up in May. When I found one I liked, which they had in my size, out of the blue a salesgirl shows up and says, “It looks like you can use some help.” PoliteIy, I thanked her and said, naw, I’m good. But she couldn’t take no for an answer. Maybe she worked on commission.
“Don’t tell me that shirt’s for you,” she said, raising her eyebrows as if I was a dum-dum or had a screw loose. “You do know it’s pink, right?” Was she implying I was colorblind? “Pink is for ladies, not men,” she stated, “unless of course…” she whispered while scrunching up her nose, “you’re queer or something.” Then, winking, she said, “But I’m betting you’re not that since I’m a pretty good judge of character, so let me find you something more appropriate. May I ask what the occasion is?”
I was completely floored by her behavior which rendered me speechless. So she continued. “Let me guess…a wedding perhaps? Definitely not a funeral…no one picks out a pink shirt for a funeral unless they’re clueless. You’re not clueless are you?” She grabbed the pink shirt from my hands and asked if that was my correct size. When I said yes, she turned away and said she’d be back in a jiffy with something more masculine. And off she went with her head up where the sun don’t shine.
I continued to browse hoping she wouldn’t return. That’s when I spotted a rather dapper, peach, button-down collar shirt that I liked even better. I thought it would go well with either my gray or beige suit. As I looked for my size, that salesgirl returned with a maroon shirt in hand. Oops. She noticed my interest in another pastel colored shirt.
“Seriously?” she said with a grimace on her face. “That’s a grandpa shirt. You know…old, balding guy, trying to look hip in a gay guy’s shirt. Definitely not for you unless you’re trying to look like gramps at the wedding.”
Now she was dissing gay men and older men, too. “Actually,” I interrupted, “bald is in these days.”
She rolled her eyes again, “Like NO, totally NOT cool if you’re wearing a fay shirt. Here!” she said, shoving the drab, wine-colored shirt at me which looked baggy.
I didn’t buy any shirt that day. I walked out of that store as soon as I could. If a person could be an earthquake, she was it and I was running for cover. Even now, I still feel like she sucked the life out of me.
To look at her, you’d think she was young and bubbly, but what was bubbling beneath all her makeup was distasteful and laced with prejudices against gays and older people, and she had no shame. And this is what’s bothering me. She got away with it. By me saying nothing, she goes on thinking it’s okay. How many others let her get away with it?
Now I’m wondering, why didn’t I call her out? What did I stand to gain from just walking away? I guess it was easier than speaking my mind, you know, trying to keep the peace. But in saying zero, I was applauding her beliefs, reinforcing them, saying that’s okay, and it was anything but okay. Now I am ashamed. And now it’s haunting me and keeping me awake at night. And still pissing me off. But, lesson learned.
So, I’m curious, what would you have done? I’d really like some help here.
Slipstream
Nipping it in the bud right in the beginning might have been a good way to go. Maybe something like, "Thanks, I appreciate your wanting to help, but I love pink and my gay brother loves denim so your assistance won’t be needed today. Have a nice day.” Just my thought...
Wilsons Grave
I like your humor!
Well Street
Laying her prejudices out so blatantly was shocking to you, and I think I'd be left speechless, too.
Hearing about your experience, it's easy to think, "Well, I would tell her such and such," or "I'd have spoken to the manager," but I don't know how I would respond.
I had a similar experience years ago when Obama was first elected. With a smile on his face, a guy at my gym showed me a photoshopped picture of the White House with rows of watermelons growing in front of it. I was speechless, handed his phone back to him, but said nothing. To this day, I wish I had told him how unfunny and uncool it was.
As you say, the lesson is learned. Hopefully, you won't have another experience like this, but you'll likely react differently if you do.
Wilsons Grave
In the future, if I run into it again, I'll follow all the good advice given me. Thanks for sharing your own upsetting story.
Evangel
I think I would have looked her in the eye and kindly said something like, "You seem like a nice person. Who taught you how to talk so condescendingly about other people?" Maybe, then, she'd lie awake thinking about her prejudices.
Unfortunately, most people are clueless about their biases and can't imagine their insensitive words are offensive to others. In the end, this salesclerk didn't earn your commission since you left the store, which was the right thing to do. That in itself showed some displeasure on your part.
Wilsons Grave
I think that makes me feel somewhat better. She's now in my dustbin of history. Thanks for your comment.
Sanatana
I am actually stunned after reading this piece. The nerve of that sales lady. I can't believe any of those words came out of her mouth!
Personally, I think you were being too nice. Not that being nice is not a wonderful thing. We need more niceness in the world. But sometimes it's important to stand your ground. Telling her, "Thanks, but no thanks," in a firm way, may have done the trick.
From what you shared, she sounded very biased and was trying to inflict her opinions on you.
I feel for you. It must have felt so awkward.
Go back. Buy the pink shirt and if she comes near you, tell her you don't need her assistance, and turn away from her. Ignore anything else she says.
Wilsons Grave
I think she was clueless. She assumed I was onboard with her mentality. I found a nice shirt elsewhere. I'll keep your advice in mind next time someone unleashes their nastiness around me.
Sanatana
Glad you got your nice shirt elsewhere! Post a picture!
Serenity Township
I think it’s good you walked away without saying anything. You kept your dignity and in fact didn’t give her the time of day. Although, you could have said (at the first sign of her obnoxiousness) “thank you!…if I need your help I’ll ask.”
Wilsons Grave
Thank you, I appreciate it. That's some good advice, too!
Sanatana
While I understand what you're saying, and you make a very good point, I still think he could have said something in a nice and non-confrontational way and kept his dignity intact. Sometimes, the problem is that we stand still for abuse. We don't want to make waves, ruffle feathers, etc. And I get it. But that lady should have understood that her behavior was inappropriate. She probably talks like that to a lot of consumers. And maybe even loses them, too!