"You can lead a horse to water ..."
But you can’t make it drink!” This popular idiom is about control, and the fact that no one can, or should control another person. A lot of people try, however. Who hasn’t attempted to get someone to do something that they didn’t want to do, and no matter how much begging or force was used, they didn’t budge? And if they did, it was with resentment.
People can be asked to be on time, take out the trash, lose weight, stop smoking, call someone, remember an important anniversary, but it’s no guarantee they will. You have little control over yourself, let alone another person.
Whether you are the controller, or the controlled, both are harmful, not only to you, but to the relationship.
Why does one try to control others?
1) Feelings of weakness and insecurity—all rooted in fear.
2) Feeling powerlessness, and a false belief that by exerting control over someone else, it will make him or her feel stronger.
3) Feelings of low self-esteem. Having control over another person bolsters their Ego.
4) Feelings of helplessness in some area of his or her life; in order to feel superior they try to control someone else.
5) Fear of abandonment. One forces someone to stay, regardless of his or her feelings, by using guilt, anger, and other forms of abuse.
Controlling anyone only creates resentment, and passive aggressive behavior. Everyone has a right to think and do what he or she wants as long as it hurts no one else. This includes our children. There are many parents who force their grown kids to go to a certain school, play a certain sport, marry a certain individual, hide their sexual preferences, etc. If they don’t, they are essentially disowned.
No one should be forced into anything. Controlling behavior may be subtle, but it’s very loud. Ultimatums, tears, anger, withdrawal of affection, and the silent treatment, are all examples of controlling behavior.
If you are a controlling person, see if the above list resonates with you. Then get help in understanding and resolving those issues. If you are being controlled, discover why you allow it. Maybe you’re afraid of being left, or ignored. “You are controlled only to the extent you allow yourself to be.”
Remember . . . no one is a possession to be possessed.
Slipstream
I think most of us have, to some extent, been both controlled and the controller. Neither is a happy or healthy place to be. Honesty with oneself is a good start.
Well Street
In my field of health and fitness, there can be a similar dynamic between a trainer and a client.
"You need to stop eating ice cream and start drinking 100 ounces of water every day, and eat veggies at every meal." There's an aspect of control here that sours what could be a potentially strong collaboration.
I've also had people say, "Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it," handing me control freely. However, this never leads to healthy and consistent habit-building.