What to say when someone's grieving
Losing a loved one is never easy. In fact, it can be right down devastating. So, if someone you know has lost a special person, what do you say? It's easy to say the wrong thing, so here are some suggestions of what NOT to say:
1. I understand how you feel. (Do you really?)
2. She was such a good person, God wanted her to be with Him. (So, if we're still here, does that mean God doesn't think we're good?)
3. There's a reason for everything? (Is there? Maybe so, but it's hard to find that reason if your child was gun downed at school, no?)
4. At least she lived a long life; many people die young. (What's a long life? Some people are living into their hundreds. Is 70 a long life? 80?)
Try saying this instead:
1. I wish I had the right words. Please know that I care and I'm here for you.
2. I can't imagine how you feel.
3. Just be present. Sometimes you don't have to say anything. Be there for them.
4. I'm so sorry for your loss.
It's never easy to lose someone or to know exactly what to say. I hope these help.
Slipstream
Another one that I've heard people say, similar to #2 on your list of "don'ts," is "They're in a better place." That's one I totally avoid. If it comes from the person who's suffered the loss, fine, but I'll never say it.
Your tips on what to say/do are very helpful. Thanks for addressing this very difficult subject.
Sanatana
Yes, saying, "They're in a better place," is not helpful. How do they even know? At any rate, regardless of where they are, they are not here on earth and they are truly missed.
Well Street
I learned through Facebook that a woman I graduated from high school with lost her son recently to an overdose. I've not communicated with her since graduation, and I want to send her a message but haven't felt sure what to say.
Your post is helpful. Thank you.
Sanatana
Sometimes people don't respond because they don't know what to say. When my dad died, though, I received a really nice card from a friend, and while it made me cry, I loved getting it. Also, saying, "I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry," is enough to let your friend know you care.
Evangel
Loss is horrible. Truly, sometimes there are no words. Sometimes there's just so much sadness it's easy to get choked up. But lacking those emotions, all your suggestions and insights are very helpful, so thanks for sharing them and making such situations easier. I will add that just showing up for a memorial service says a lot without words. It makes the bereaved feel cared for.
Sanatana
I agree. There's never any easy way to get through loss. We just have to go through it, hopefully with the unwavering support of our loved ones.