The TRUTH Behind the Lie!

What you say: “Everything’s fine!”
What you’re thinking: I’m about to lose my job and just had a fight with my son.

What you say: “You look great in that dress!”
What you’re thinking: If you were 12!

What you say: “Thank you! I absolutely love it.”
What you’re thinking: Good thing I’m having a garage sale this weekend.

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Raise your hand if you can honestly say you’ve never lied? And this includes “fibbing,” or “white” lies. If you raised your hand, then you’re lying. People lie on average of two to three times a day. Why? There are many reasons. Here are some:

TO SPARE SOMEONE’S FEELINGS: If you love someone, you don’t want to tell them that they look horrible, or that the dinner they cooked was appalling, so you say the opposite. Even though you mean well, this can backfire. Because your loved one thinks you like the liver meatloaf, it may become a staple in your diet. Or that pink, polka-dotted dress may be worn to your next office party. So while you may not want to hurt someone’s feeling, it’s important to be honest. You might want to say, “I love most of your cooking, but I have to say this one is not my favorites. I prefer your chicken and dumplings.”

TO SHIFT BLAME: I remember when my son Josh was a teenager; he would get a call from a friend inviting him to this or that. If Josh didn’t want to go, he’d ask us in a loud voice, then direct us into saying, “No! You can’t go.” That way it wasn’t him turning down the invitation, it was his strict parents saying no. It was better for him to have non-negotiating parents, than say, “Nah, I don’t feel like going.”

TO AVOID DEALING WITH BIGGER PROBLEMS: If you tell your husband you don’t mind cleaning up after him, maybe you’re avoiding his anger, or neglect. So by lying you’re avoiding the bigger issue. The problem here is that eventually the resentment will get so big, that it will be harder to deal with. It’s best to say, “Hey, I don’t mind cleaning up sometimes, but I would love it if you pick up your shoes and put them away.” If your husband blows up, then that’s the issue that clearly needs to be addressed.

TO SAVE FACE: You tell your boss that you’re done with the proposal. You haven’t even started it. Why did you lie? To save face, of course! You want to maintain your reputation as the best Admin he’s ever had so you lie and make plans to work all weekend. While you might get out of this one, he could ask you to see the draft. Then what are you going to do? Now not only are you not the best Admin, you’re a liar, too!

TO AVOID BEING JUDGED: Your new friends are talking about how they loved the movie, The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies. You hated it—can’t stand Bilbo and the Dwarves. But hey, you’re with your friends and they all loved it. In fact, everyone has seen it multiple times. Maybe you want to fit in and feel like a white lie won’t make a difference. But now you’ll get invited to every Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter movie! Now what? What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Sound familiar? Better to tell the truth. If your new friends are going to dump you because you didn’t like The Hobbit, they’re not really your friends.

TO KEEP FROM GETTING YELLED AT: How many times have you said, “I’m on my way; be there in five? And really you’re about 45 minutes away. You just don’t want to hear it—the speech about your lateness—the talk about how irresponsible you are. So you lie on the phone and postpone the inevitable. This, of course, never works because you’ll eventually get to your destination. And now you have to hear the talk anyway, but it’s worse because you lied about how long it would take.

Having said that, there are times that telling the truth doesn’t serve any purpose. As Jack Nicholson said in the film, A Few Good Men, “You can’t handle the truth!” Sometimes this is true. For example, the truth may be irrelevant, or so painful, that it’s better not to express it. If there’s something in your past of which you’re not proud, or something you just want to keep to yourself, why do you have to tell it? What if it’s no longer who you are? Why dredge it up and create an image of yourself that no longer represents who you are? For example, what if when you were 17 you got caught shoplifting? You were young and stupid, but you’ve been a model citizen since. Now you’re 37. Why do you have to tell anyone? That was you then, not you now. You’re not a chronic thief. It was a one-time event.

Lying is not always the answer, but sometimes the lie is better than the truth. It all depends on the motivation behind the lie. I’m not suggesting you start lying. In most cases, I say no, don’t do it. But you will. We all will. Next time someone asks how you are, you might just say fine and not mean it. And that’s okay.