The Servant
Recently, the topic of being a People Pleaser (PP) came up in a group discussion. I thought it would be an important topic to address since several people admitted to being PPs, and relayed their unhappiness about it.
What is a PP? This is a person who says yes to most requests, whether they want to or not. They have an intense need to please others, so they put their wants and needs on the back burner.
Why? Often PPs have deep-rooted feelings of fear and rejection. Reasons for this abound. Growing up, PPs were more than likely rejected or abandoned by a parent. Or they may have had a very critical one, so this made the PP very eager to please in order to win love. It’s not uncommon that for PPs love came with conditions. Going through life, then, they did what they felt was necessary to be popular, accepted, and loved. PPs think, “If I don’t do this, they won’t like me anymore. They’ll stop caring.” And since the PP likes to feel needed, they’ll do whatever it takes. PPs appear to be selfless, but in reality, they’re looking for love and approval.
Behaving like a servant can have very damaging effects. The PP might become depressed, anxious, or have issues with self-neglect. And since PPs often push down their anger, they might start to act in passive/aggressive ways.
If you’re a PP, what can you do?
1. Realize you have a choice. You can say no!
2. Buy some time. Tell the person you’ll get back to them.
3. Look at what’s really important. What are your priorities?
4. When you do say no, don’t sound uncertain. Say no with conviction.
5. Set boundaries, and stick to them. Don’t weaken under pressure.
6. After you say no, don’t keep apologizing.
People aren’t going to stop liking you if you say no. They will respect you more. You teach people how to treat you by the way you treat yourself, by how you accept or reject the treatment of others.
If you start saying no after you’ve been saying yes for a while, you might encounter anger and disappointment. That’s all right. Don’t let guilt seep into your system. It’s your life! You have every right to say No. So next time someone asks you to do something, think about it. What is your motivation? Do you really want to do it? If so, go for it. If not, Just Say NO!
Well Street
It makes a lot of sense that someone who felt abandoned in childhood would believe, "If I try really hard and if I bend over backward, people will like me."
As you lay out, the consequences of this mindset are significant. Releasing PP thoughts and behaviors, while challenging, come with big pay-offs.
Sanatana
Yes. And it takes a lot of practice. PPs need to know they'll be respected more if they're not pushovers.
Slipstream
Being genuine is always much more fulfilling for all parties than being a pleaser.
Evangel
I agree that no one should dominate another person. We need to remember that we have free will no matter what anyone believes or says. But women around the world are conditioned to make service to men their primary role in life. Many religions believe it is ordained so by God, and a woman saying no to a man can sadly still trigger dire consequences.
Sanatana
Unfortunately, you are right on that. Some cultures and religions do treat women as though they were nothing but servants, here to do their will. So sad. Those amazing women will never get the chance to shine.