The Roadblocks!
Being in the middle of an argument and maintaining your cool isn't always easy. If fact, when something triggers us, we can go from being a pretty decent human being to someone who can behave like an unhinged lunatic. You know I'm right. What do you think you look like when you are behaving your worst in a heated argument?
It's easy to go off the rails when we hear something we don't like, or someone behaves in a way that pisses us off. But if we want to have an actual conversation where we discuss our differences and work on a solution, we need to avoid some communication roadblocks.
1. Avoid reckless words that are meant to be put downs. Ugly words leave a stain. They will not bring you closer to your mate.
2. Avoid becoming nasty and mean and resorting to name calling. You can be upset, but why resort to name calling? What are you, five?
3. Avoid saying, "You always, you never!" Always and Never are rarely the case.
4. Avoid bringing up past gripes. What for? The past is over. No redos there, so why bring it up?
5. Avoid interrupting or speaking without responding. Listen to your partner. Let them finish before addressing what they've said.
6. Avoid gestures such as eye rolls, or turning away in disgust. Those kinds of gestures speak loud and clear. Anything you say after that will not be taken seriously.
Getting to the bottom of the issue is ultimately what you want, right? Or am I wrong? Do you just want to hear yourself talk? Make your point and feel righteous? That will get you far. Far out of your relationship, that is.
If you really want to solve the problem, you will have to talk to each other like decent human beings who care about each other and are invested in your future together. The way to do this ... speak to each other with love and respect. You can be mad at each other, but they're still the person you love, right? How do you want to treat that person? Think twice. Because once the dust settles, your words will be left behind floating around like soap bubbles.
Determine what you want from the discussion and then address your partner and consider that they may have a point. Maybe it's not so black or white.
If you want to work things out and live to love another day, there's only one way to do that. Avoid doing the things that will sink your relationship.
Your words matter. Your actions matter.
Ask yourself, "Do I want to be in a strong and loving relationship?"
If so, you know what to do and not to do.
Don't make the fool's choice.
Well Street
The infamous eye roll used to convey messages like "your feelings are invalid," and "you're being foolish" can be as biting as insults and name-calling.
You're right, having the wherewithal to remember "This person is my partner whom I love" when triggered during a heated exchange is an immense challenge but worth developing to avoid potential long-term scarring of the relationship.
Thank you for posting.
Sanatana
You're welcome! It's not always easy to maintain our cool in a heated conversation, but if we at least become aware of how we're coming off, it's one step closer to having an actual conversation.
Evangel
These are all important tips to remember.
The family we grow up in determines how we will argue with others, be it classmates initially or spouses later. The eye roll, shouting, walking away, and slamming doors are all learned behaviors we adopt from watching our parents argue with each other during our formative years. We also observe who gives in and who doesn't and which method to adopt for our own battles.
If you want your kids to succeed in life, forget sending them to the most exclusive private schools. Instead, when disagreements arise, role model the tips Sanatana offers in this helpful article. They work, and your kids will be respected and trusted for their "grace under fire"—which is an essential quality to moving up the ladder of success.
Sanatana
I 100% agree with you!
Our kids aren't being taught the most important things in school. I don't think that will change. So it goes back to what we're teaching the kids at home!
Slipstream
There's so much to argue about these days—finances, kids, in-laws, politics, and the list goes on. Keeping your cool, and as you point out, remembering this is the person you love, will help you get to a solution instead of pouring gas on the fire. Great article; lots of good advice!
Wilsons Grave
Right. Your words matter, your actions matter. Folks need to keep this in mind once they go down the path of arguing. But they lose control. They say stuff they've been wanting to say for a long time, all the unkindness vomits out, and the damage is done. Forgiveness may never come, and meanwhile you've crushed someone's soul.
Sanatana
You are so right! Once you let your emotions take over, it's done. No more conversation. All that's left, like you say, are hurt feelings.