Unpacking Forgiveness
Millions of people are faced with a choice to forgive someone, a situation an event...or not. I can imagine this community has some readers that are part of that growing number. How we come to that decision is so personal. What seems appropriate for one person may not be for another. It seems oversimplified at times and yet it really is complicated. You can't force it. People have told me it took them a lifetime to get there. Others said they made the decision not to forgive and never looked back.
I remember with a smile and great fondness my childhood solution when at a turn in the road was to sit cross legged on the grass while I plucked the petals of a daisy saying, “do I or don't I” to help me make a decision. Those days are long gone.
A current situation has invited me to rethink what forgiveness means to me. My dancing partners are forgiving or not forgiving a family member who has consciously hurt me numerous times. I've run out of empathy, compassion, putting myself in her shoes and seeing the world through her eyes and excusing her behavior. This comes as a shock because it never occurred to me it was okay not to forgive someone...until it did.
I have replaced hurting flowers with more adult forms of decision making. Professor Google offers up vastly different approaches to the matter. Religious frameworks emphasize forgiveness. It is mandatory, limitless and a prerequisite for receiving God's mercy. Psychological and therapeutic perspectives, where I land, argue it is okay not to forgive if doing so would not be good for your well-being.
People have told me I'm like a dog with a bone when I'm not at peace with something or someone. Over time I scrutinized topic related books, prayed and consulted with wise and trusted people, used my wide range of healing tools to do inner work, journaling, writing a don't mail letter to her and prayed in hopes the desire to forgive would show up. It did not happen.
So where does that leave me? Right now it feels like a liminal space time where my old beliefs and behavior are gone and the new is not yet clear. I am a woman of deep faith and I trust I'll find my rhythm as I keep moving forward. In the meantime personal peace and well being are my choices over forgiveness.
Unpacking what forgiveness means seems to help my healing process. My new definition includes: 1) Wiping the slate clean is not a requirement for me to have a whole and happy life. 2) Make a crucial conscious decision to accept what has occurred. 3) Express empathy for my own experiences and wounding. 4) Forgive myself for not protecting myself. 5) Empower myself to set boundaries to stay out of the drama. 6) Pray for her.
May your well being and personal peace be restored as you do your own unpacking.
Evangel
I'm so sorry for the hurt that's been cast on you. When a person continues to assault you in one way or another, with every encounter, it must be understood that it's intentional.
In my experience with such people, they are not looking for forgiveness. They are getting some form of satisfaction from the battle they're engaged in. It gives them a sense of power, and they don't want that battle or power to end. You are target practice for them. Once I realized that, I determined it was okay to detach the person, like detaching a passenger car from a train. They fade into the distance in your heart. You may still see them if it's family, but they are no longer your concern. Your heart has detached.
I think your exploration and summary of what forgiveness means really hits the nail on the head. Staying out of another's drama is critical because that drama is likely the only way the person knows to capture an audience and sustain their attention. Staying out of it and praying for them is definitely the most healing thing you can do for everyone concerned. Thank you for sharing your insightful and heartfelt journey into forgiveness.
Slipstream
I appreciate your quandary about forgiveness… “or not.” I can tell you’ve put a lot of thought and prayer into that relationship. And in trying to survive it, you arrived at your “new definition” steps. Each one is powerful on its own, but practiced together, they become even stronger.
I hope that as you put them into practice, they give you the solid foundation you need to find peace.