Resistance to Change

This year I wanted to start writing again even though it's been a long time. I got very excited about the topics of interest and the end result of the pieces I could create. Then I put on the brakes!

I became so resistant to this change I said I wanted to make and began to observe myself being clever as I came up with a multitude of reasons for why I couldn't compose anything. Reasons such as, I don't have time (not true, I have 5 to 15 minutes a day), there is a phone call or text I have to send just as I am sitting down to make some notes (those could wait) or I am suddenly sleepy (that is true because I overwhelmed myself with negativity).

I really wanted to achieve my goal so I revisited the brain and nervous system research I'd been collecting. Current neuroscience tells us when we commit to making changes the body's fight-flight-freeze system (sympathetic nervous system) takes over our brain to protect us from getting hurt or making a mistake. For us humans change is scary even if we want it and whether or not we are aware of being afraid. Our brain gets hijacked and we begin to sabotage attempts to improve our behavior. In this situation, the flight part of the system got activated when I began to write so I avoided doing the behavior that would insure my success. My fear took over.

Through meditation and journaling I realized my fear was coming from a traumatized younger part of myself when I had made a project in art class. My teacher told me I didn't do a good job (so not nice!) I believed her and I was humiliated. Once I was clear about the underlying cause of my resistance I could begin to help myself heal and move through this inner opposition.

Instead of using criticism and judgment I approached the fear of my child self in that classroom with positive words that a 7 year old could understand. First, I began taking slow deep breaths. Next, I told myself, "I'm safe." "It's okay to be afraid and the adult me is right here to help." I followed that up with, "I didn't do anything wrong." I wanted to reassure this little girl that just because the teacher didn't like what she made didn't mean it wasn't good. For the first time this young child felt congratulated for being brave enough to explore being an artist and risk making something for someone else's approval. As I created emotional safety for my younger self my brain and nervous system calmed down.

By the way, this was not a one and done experience. Inner resistance resurfaced several times throughout my return to writing. For example, recently having the opportunity to submit a 3 sentence editor's pitch to my teacher for review I was aware of that young girl's fear. It only took 2 days for me to submit my sentences instead of two weeks or not at all. The best part for me is the comment I got back, "I love your pitch!."

In conclusion, what is different for me is my acute awareness of this inner resistance and my ability to help myself return to emotional safety. Repairing my nervous system disruption has been liberating. Now I can focus on writing and not sabotage myself.