Forgiveness Unpacked

Forgiveness got unpacked on a country road. The dance is over. Here's what happened when I visited my family.

In reflection, it is no coincidence that prior to my recent scheduled visit home another incident came up rekindling my year long struggle to forgive or not forgive a family member. I felt like I was surrounded by grace because our paths did not cross as I was gallivanting all over this little town of 1,200 people.

I spent time thinking and talking to God while walking down unfamiliar country roads (parallel to my current interior experience). I was treated to a banquet for the senses: a symphony of birdsong, vibrant flowers splashed over the yards of the Amish families, I was lulled by the mooing cows at the dairy farm, the smell of manure as I skipped over cow patties, and laughed out loud watching the newborn foals frolicking in the corrals.

I forget how the wide open spaces, fresh air and quiet helps me get very still inside so my head can clear. The conflict was just gone! Once again, I experienced the value of giving myself time to do my inner work. Freedom to first say no to forgiving her was the most important part of my learning. Followed by trusting in my courage and resilience to get to the other side of my conflict. In this web of life I know I am responsible for doing all I can to keep my thread fully alive and being the best version of myself I can.

When I left Indiana I had forgiven her. More importantly I forgave myself. I am finding my rhythm. Moving forward with new boundaries. Making a commitment to reserve my trust for people who are trustworthy and infusing myself with empathy and compassion as I continue to heal. I learned what I needed to.

I'll probably never know her reasons for saying hurtful words to me or for denying me access to my dying brother... which seemed unforgivable. To borrow from Music City, her words have Stained my heart. I don't have to see her or talk to her however I can pray for her. While I'll never be able to talk to my brother again on this earthly plane I am comforted with talking to him in the spirit realm and his periodic visitations.

Sometimes I learn my lessons gently, like being brushed with a feather. Other times when it is something significant it feels like I get hit with a 2 x 4 to really get my attention. Unpacking forgiveness came with a big hit. I don't know about your lived experience but I know for me learning life lessons, while necessary, can sometimes be oh so painful!