Deep Listening

Paying attention to your internal dialogue listening to a loved one, or anyone really, may prove very informative. As I understand there are at least four typical thoughts that run through our minds when we are listening. We want to fix them, save them, advise them or correct them.

I don't know about you but I know I have entertained all four of those thoughts depending on the situation and the person I'm talking to. Even though I am trained to be a good listener I am by no means perfect so I have to daily pay attention to what is going on between my ears.

This came to my attention during a recent telephone call with my nephew. He was sharing how frightened he is because he thinks he might have Parkinson's. Of course I wanted to save him and give recommendations about what to do and where to go for help because I love him so much. Fortunately, I caught myself and realized he just needed me to listen to his fears. Basically he needed me to hold the space and just be with him which I was able to do.

What I call deep listening. Listening to what is underneath all that is being said. Saying things like, “This must really be scary” and “What does this mean for you right now” helped him sink deeper into his experience. Since I wasn't muddling things up with my perspective he was able to hear himself clearly, walk himself through a plan and calm down. His fear did not go away but having a plan of action seemed to restore some confidence in his ability to manage his life until his doctor appointment in a few weeks. That length of time feels like an eternity to him.

This conversation reminded me that ultimately we all just want to be seen and heard. Having the freedom and a safe space to express our feelings and not pretend we are okay when we aren't or be judged or shamed is priceless.

Keeping those typical thoughts to myself resulted in the privilege of being witness and holding space with my nephew so deep listening could occur.

I wonder how listening might deepen in relationships if we all had at least one safe person to share our feelings with free of being fixed, saved, advised or corrected. I wonder.