Deep Listening
Paying attention to your internal dialogue listening to a loved one, or anyone really, may prove very informative. As I understand there are at least four typical thoughts that run through our minds when we are listening. We want to fix them, save them, advise them or correct them.
I don't know about you but I know I have entertained all four of those thoughts depending on the situation and the person I'm talking to. Even though I am trained to be a good listener I am by no means perfect so I have to daily pay attention to what is going on between my ears.
This came to my attention during a recent telephone call with my nephew. He was sharing how frightened he is because he thinks he might have Parkinson's. Of course I wanted to save him and give recommendations about what to do and where to go for help because I love him so much. Fortunately, I caught myself and realized he just needed me to listen to his fears. Basically he needed me to hold the space and just be with him which I was able to do.
What I call deep listening. Listening to what is underneath all that is being said. Saying things like, “This must really be scary” and “What does this mean for you right now” helped him sink deeper into his experience. Since I wasn't muddling things up with my perspective he was able to hear himself clearly, walk himself through a plan and calm down. His fear did not go away but having a plan of action seemed to restore some confidence in his ability to manage his life until his doctor appointment in a few weeks. That length of time feels like an eternity to him.
This conversation reminded me that ultimately we all just want to be seen and heard. Having the freedom and a safe space to express our feelings and not pretend we are okay when we aren't or be judged or shamed is priceless.
Keeping those typical thoughts to myself resulted in the privilege of being witness and holding space with my nephew so deep listening could occur.
I wonder how listening might deepen in relationships if we all had at least one safe person to share our feelings with free of being fixed, saved, advised or corrected. I wonder.
Well Street
Your nephew was fortunate to have a call with you that pulled him out of rumination and into planning an action. I'm sorry he has to wait so long to see his doctor.
Like you, I've learned that being curious and asking open-ended questions can be far more productive than trying to immediately fix or solve a challenge someone we care about is facing.
Present Valley
People you interact with are fortunate to have you!
Thank you for your support and kind thoughts for my nephew.
Slipstream
When people we care about are suffering, of course we want to fix it--make it all better. If people are asking questions, that opens the door for your opinion, but steering them to their own conclusions can give them the power they need to take the necessary steps themselves.
I appreciated your post because, although I know what I should do in those moments, it doesn't keep me from falling off the wagon and giving my 2 cents without being asked.
Present Valley
Thank you for your honesty. You are one of the fortunate who know the difference.
It is an ongoing process of getting comfortable with going against what comes naturally to us humans...to save, fix, advise and correct.
Evangel
Having sat with someone myself recently and frequently who has concerns over their health, I understand the challenge of wanting to calm their fears through reassurances. In many cases, that is exactly what a worrier wants to hear. But by flipping the tables and centering them in their own tailspin, helping them to hear it and explore more deeply the scary conclusions they've drawn, healthier conclusions can emerge as you described, along with some action steps.
Creating that safe space for anyone in turmoil is always a privilege, especially if it's done in the most thoughtful and loving way. I sincerely hope your nephew will not be diagnosed with Parkinson's or anything similar. My prayers are going out for him.
Thank you for sharing your experience and allowing us to learn from it.
Present Valley
Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts for my nephew.
You understand the importance of going against what seems to be human nature...to want to fix, save, advise or correct. It is an ongoing process of paying attention.
Wilsons Grave
Great lesson. Sure, I want to fix, save, advise, and correct someone who's asked for my ear. But I know that's my own arrogance. Mostly folks need a shoulder to cry on, maybe they want reassurance, but that doesn't fix the problem other than providing momentary comfort. I'd bet your nephew turns to you for love, wisdom, and nurture, not fixing. The conversation, questioning and searching for answers is a moment in time, one valued by both you and one where love is flowing abundantly. That's the reason for the call.
Like others, I sure as heck hope he's okay, but I, too, will pray for that outcome. Thanks for putting your wisdom into clear language. God bless you and your family.
Present Valley
You are so generous with your kind words and thoughts. I greatly appreciate that you would be willing to hold up my nephew in your prayers.
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my post. I agree… for me, fixing, saving, advising but so much correcting… seems to come so naturally.
Music City
Great lesson for me and something I've been working on.It's difficult to remember that many times people just want someone to hear them.
Present Valley
Thank you for your comment.
I think many of us are in the same boat learning this again and again. 😊
Homeless Valley
I can only speak for myself, but I'm more of the kind that appreciates suggestions and advice. By the time I ask for help, I've gone through all the head spinning I can handle on my own. I want answers and reassurances. But I do appreciate your approach, and I have no doubt your nephew does, too. I have to really trust someone before opening up about the angst or frustrations life brings me, and I'm not so sure anyone cares enough to sit and listen deeply to me. I once had a therapist who asked a ton of questions but continued to glance at the clock as I attempted to answer, so that was the end of that. But it's nice to hear there are good listeners who actually care, and all my best to your nephew. I, too, will say a prayer for him.
Present Valley
Thank you so much for your honesty. I so appreciate when you post.
It is really hard to be vulnerable for most people. It sounds like that therapeutic experience did not help at a time when you needed it!
I greatly appreciate your heartfelt willingness to hold my nephew in your prayers. That is so generous of you. ❤️🙏❤️