Asking for Help

Yesterday I heard an alarming statistic.....61% of people in America believe they have no one to call if they need help. That is sad and frightening to think about and I don't know if it is even true. However, I began to wonder what has happened to our society. In ancient days communities and tribes depended on each other for survival. Asking for help was a necessity.

I got curious and my mind started swirling around the question, “What about individuals who could call on a friend or neighbor for assistance but don't. What's that about?” I know on any continuum there are people on both ends...some folks ask for help too often and this sabotages their self-empowerment, independence and the possibility of growth. While others rarely ask for help even when it might compromise their health or well-being. Then we have all of us in the middle.

On many occasions my friends and I have mulled over this very question after not asking for help from each other when we needed it. The answers were many and varied. We agreed sometimes it is hard to admit help is needed. There are also occasions when we knew it would be in our best interest to ask and still didn't. Other times we really didn't know what we needed. For example, when my husband was dying many wonderful friends kept asking what they could do to help me and I honestly did not know. However, when I did figure something out I would ask.

There was a consensus of opinion this pattern of not asking for help has more to do with the person asking than the person being asked. Why? Asking for help requires us to be willing to be vulnerable and that is sometimes an emotional risk people don't want to take even with safe family members, friends, coworkers and neighbors.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross says there are only two human emotions...love and fear. If that is true, the reasons we don't ask for help must have something to do with fear not love. My friends and I agreed there were fears such as being rejected, losing approval, being judged as inadequate or incompetent and so on even from people we knew loved us.

I admit I feel comfortable asking for help when its something I don't know how to do such as house or car repairs. I'm still a work in progress on asking for help with other things. I find it fulfilling to help others when I can. This year I'm willing to be more vulnerable and take some baby steps asking for help from safe trusted people to build up that muscle. For example, asking my neighbor to lift a heavy box instead of grappling with it myself, or eliciting a friend's opinion, or find out if I could get a ride to pick up my car after its been serviced instead of calling Uber. I think it's also important for me to keep in mind not to take it personally if the person is not available. I can keep practicing and ask someone else to build my confidence. I think asking for help and giving help is a foundational way to build community.