Have you cried today?
Have you cried today? Probably not- most likely not…. I have- I’ve cried often in the past week. Tears shed from my eyes, from this deep well of emotion.
Tonight just praying and asking God to lift this cloud of depression suffocating me- to fill me with Grace and light. I shed tears. Why? I so long to be free- to be totally and 100 percent detached from feeling the present world around me- and from feeling my physical body- which is in constant pain. To be free and joyful- I only get that feeling when I’m at Mass and when my dog Beau sits in my lap and falls asleep while I read. Food doesn’t do it- and thankfully not drugs- scotch helps- but only so much- sleep helps- if I can sleep.
I cried the day before last- listening to Black Tape for A Blue Girl. It brought back memories of my studio apartment in Long Beach- me alone, being an adult- for the first time- rebelliously smoking cigarettes on the outside steps of the complex at 3 in the morning. Watching the Long Beach night life- which consisted of random odd bicyclists selling their wares and the yellow amber lights in the misty early night and morning low clouds rolling in from the ocean. My youth wasted and evaporated into that same mist.
I cried Thanksgiving day
Watching A White Christmas and Crosby singing I’m dreaming of a White Christmas- that whole movie is genius and beautiful-
I’m a well of tears-
I have been
Since I was a child.
I feel like if only….
I feel like my whole life has been a few steps short on the ladder from making it to the top. Or that the rope is just not long enough. And I just keep thinking- okay things are going to get better. But it’s the opposite- things keep getting more compressed- more twisted- more alone-
More alone than the 3 am mornings on steps watching the fog roll in.
So maybe if someone here tells me if they cried recently and why- it may help me feel less alone.
Until then I’ll continue to play the Carpenters rendition of Help-
And hitting snooze 5 times before I get up because I can’t stand the thought of another day.
Sanatana
You're not alone. Quit your job. Pack up and come home!
Evangel
You take up space in many people's hearts, including mine, but maybe you're not be aware of it.
You've lost three family members in the last three years. That's a lot of suffering to go through on top of feeling like you've lost your freedom.
You feel free and joyful at Mass. That's a worthy place to be and feel joy. That's a calling from God. That's where you belong right now every day, Why should you be anywhere else?
There is Mass in every city in this country. Mass is your home. Beau is your home. Home is everywhere and anywhere so long as you have Beau, Mass, and God. Let us help you make freedom a reality.
I cried this week and last. I'm most often moved to tears when I feel the cruelties of the world, but I am also moved to tears when I see families reuniting or acts of love and kindness.
I'm here to help. I know others who are standing by to help you get through this challenging moment in time. You are loved!
Mount Horeb
Yes- thank you. I agree home is where you hang your hat. For now- I’m where I’m at for a reason- til whatever needs to get resolved, does so. And also, I say I do also have tears of joy in beautiful acts- but less often.but that they exist is something to be joyful about. Hugs.
Slipstream
I haven't cried today, but tears are no stranger to my face. I think I've cried enough in my lifetime to fill Lake Michigan. Sometimes tears of sorrow or hurt, sometimes tears from fear or worry.
I think oftentimes our tears are those tears that were left behind, uncried from previous times, maybe even from childhood, teens, lost loves, or for family members that have passed on. It's hard to cry all the tears we have because we're expected to get back on the horse and heal quickly and silently. Healing is a personal thing. It can take weeks, months, or years, or maybe it never really stops with some hurts that are too deep and can't be left behind.
All that being said, know you are not alone. You have people who love you and are in your corner. I'm holding you in my heart and sending you lots of love and prayers.
Mount Horeb
Thank you. I agree that maybe these emotions come from past wounds- that have not been resolved or healed- a strange unknown burden. And an odd way to release feelings unable to be spoken. Hugs to you
Sanatana
As I always tell you, I am here for you!
I'm not stranger to tears. Even on my evening walks with Joe I start crying. I miss Papi, I cry for Mami, and Raul. I cry for you who are suffering and for friends who are going through dark times.
Just know that you can always hang your hat here! I love you!
Mount Horeb
thank you-
yes I know you are there for me-
Hugs
Faithville
One scripture I must remind myself frequently is Be still and know that I am. God’s plan for your life, even in your suffering, is tremendous. I dove great comfort knowing God abides in me, always, even in my darkest of moments. Tears can be very healing. Let them flow. A year of tears got me to move forward after my mother’s tragic death. You are loved, unconditionally.
Mount Horeb
Thank you so much for sharing and encouragement!