Blood is thicker than water?
I have alway thought that “blood is thicker than water” . As a child I KNEW the context of that idiom/proverb- or at least I thought I did. That familial bonds will always be stronger than other relationships…. I held fast to that interpretation for a long time. But why did or do people say it?
I held it in the context, that family would do anything for you versus someone that was not related.
Something has not been sitting right with me for a while- in particular to my own actions- and that of my older sibling brother . I have been contemplating a bit on familial love. And of course thru history and literature it’s rampant with sibling and family fighting and killing eachother for money power or jealousy.
And not too long ago was pondering if I had not been born from this family would we still be friends?
And not just a few days later….my Sister who had just came out to visit asked me do you think ‘He’ likes me?
I paused- and the truth came out- No. love? Yes I suppose, but why is there love when there is so much disconnect between two people? To my self. I know I loved my brother that passed away 2021.
However, I failed him.
As his blood- I failed him. I did not like him- or rather what he put his family thru. And I disconnected. Adding much to my sadness.
I find myself now in the shoes of my brother who has passed- and I am being disconnected. The ‘blood’ tie has failed, from where I am seated- I am nothing compared to my brothers friends-
A few months ago I was having a desperate lonely moment- and when I told my brother about it- there was nothing.
I went walking with an acquaintance Saturday and was bringing up family issues and told this man- not a close friend- but if he had reached out to me in any way and stated the despair of sadness or loneliness I would have done something to help- got him out- hung out- talk- get together- whatever…. I would do something-
I reached out to a total stranger at a men’s group meeting, a few months ago, after he divulged he is going thru a divorce and the hurt/ache in his voice was crying for help- after the meeting I followed him- and I said I know we don’t know eachother - but everything is gong to be ok. He started to cry and almost gave me a hug- I just looked into his eyes and said stay strong you have friends here.
As the days pass I now realize that ‘blood is not thicker than water’
And that being the case- what do I do?
I’m saddened- offended- disheartened-
And actually just want to disconnect. And it’s no wonder that his daughter has disconnected from him as well.
Is it wrong to cut to ties? I only feel that my pain, mental and physical and struggling feeds him. To make him feel empowered.
Is blood thicker than water?
Evangel
My short answer is no. I read somewhere that the maxim originated on the battlefield and blood refers to those who you shared blood with on the battlefield, not family. So, it's interesting that our mother's had it wrong...or maybe it was their way of warning us about the importance of being a family.
About your brother. Many siblings carry deep seated resentments toward one or more siblings since childhood. It's hard to find "brotherhood" in such a relationship. It's hard to get to the bottom of it to straighten things out.
What should you do about your brother? Be a brother even if he's not. If you failed another brother because of things he did that you did not like, this is your opportunity to be a different kind of brother to the one who now offends you.
Being a brother means being available should he need you, and that time may come one day. He may change his tune one day, and you want to be forgiving and supportive of his needs if that time comes.
In the meantime, be a brother to others who do need you. I have two brothers who are part of my spiritual family. They are always here for me and I am deeply grateful for them. Their love for me is evident every day and unquestionable.
Be a brother to those you feel safe with, to those who value you, and try to avoid those who just want something from you and flatter you. It takes time to know who will be there for you in return.
Thank you for sharing your dilemma so honestly. We learn more from honesty than pomposity.
Mount Horeb
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
Yes I will make myself available- if needed…you don’t realize the depths of toxicity that is the relationship. My brother has many issues I believe, to deal with- as do I, however-
And I will/am available to others as well.
Slipstream
I'm an only child so I can only answer this as an observer. When I was growing up, I "kind of" wanted a sibling, but the more I saw the relationships between my friends and their siblings, my desire was dampened. And as an adult, my observations of sibling relationships made me realize how fortunate I was not to experience the backbiting, jealousy, and lack of support many of my friends contend with.
Instead, I've chosen to be a surrogate sister. I hold no childhood hurts or adult resentments so I can build you up instead of tear you down.
Your tribe is here for you, to support you and cheer you on. And you can let go of that "blood is thicker than water" thing; it's a term that got twisted into a falsehood that people believed. You're safe and accepted here. Feel free to PM me any time. Sending you a warm hug...
Mount Horeb
Yes thank your for your reply-
I have definitely let go of the idiom.
And I know that families have haphazard personalities that end up being together- i really just thought that being ‘blood’ really was as something that could be counted on- but of course this is my lesson- I know. I appreciate very much the cheering on and encouragement of friendly souls.
Thank you.
Tin Cup
I also have no siblings. But I have found over time to give a chance then check your heart. I think that everyone that comes into our lives for a reason. Some people have it easier than others. They are there so you can learn to be the best person possible so you can keep an open heart and recognize when people truly need your help That way you can light the way to open many hearts that could use your experience through some of those dark corridors life has for us.
So I would say blood is not thicker than water. Keep being in the moment and listen to your heart.
Life is a one big lesson it’s your choice to be connected to by birth or by choice.
If you think about it we are all brothers and sisters we have the opportunity to wisely choose by following our heart and soul. There is no wrong answers just the choice of the lesson to be learned.
Hope this helps answer your question.
Mount Horeb
Very thoughtful reply. Thank you.
Yes ultimately we are all connected and brothers and sisters. The lesson however- I’m unsure of. But I do know I will continue to be open.
Present Valley
This sounds like a profound life learning experience.
Amongst my 3 siblings and I there is disagreement on the topic of is blood thicker than water.
That being said...your post really touched my heart. With my only brother I've had a hot and cold relationship most of our years. His belief that blood is thicker than water included his belief he could engage in prickly angry behavior and language and we would continue to love him because we were family. In his anger and prickly behavior he didn't notice I was distancing. If this man was not my brother he would not be someone I would have as a friend. Even though I understand why he behaves the way he does it doesn't make it ok.
The exception to our difficult relationship occurred 4 years ago when my husband was dying. We became very close and he became a champion for me, was kind and very supportive of me while I was figuring out how to live life as a single woman. I really opened up my heart to him.
Now my brother is dying. His prickly behavior and anger has resurfaced for a multitude of reasons and the closeness is gone. My heart is broken because I'm losing both the sweetness of our newly developed relationship...and him.
I find myself wanting to have some connection, some contact...I don't know how long he'll be on the planet. Because he lives in Indiana we are limited to phone calls and text. Being on the receiving end of his anger every conversation was not healthy for me mentally or emotionally. Yet completely cutting ties to him was not an option.
I prayed for the words when we would have our brief phone call. One day three words showed up..."just be kind." Well, I thought...I can do that.
I can also send supportive emojis and beautiful pictures or text reminders of shared stories from the past. I can listen and tell him I was thinking of him and I love him...which is true. If I am feeling vulnerable I don't call him that day. Continuing to remind myself not to take his behavior personally is helpful.
Each of my siblings are finding their own path to walk with him, as am I, at the end of his life. I am so blessed to have wonderful friends who listen to my heartbreak, comfort me and support me and I do the same for them when they are in need.
At the end of the day for me the beautiful question is not "is blood thicker than water" but "how do I take care of myself while seeing past the behavior I'm not liking, keep my heart open and be kind and compassionate with my brother."
I wish you all the best in finding your answer so you will know in your heart what is the most loving thing to do.
Mount Horeb
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience as this. I understand your pain and love your compassion and humbleness- which is so important in this case and every day life- I hope your love shows thru to him in your correspondence and his bitterness and whatever demons he is battling will be keeled by that same humbleness. Peace.
Sanatana
Blood is not thicker than water, no.
I understand the feel of wanting to disconnect from someone who is hurting you. His own daughter has done it, although he doesn't see himself as the culprit, but as the victim. They are "narcissists," he says. But are they?
Should you disconnect? And if you do, will you regret it? Or do you have a sit down, honest and true, and let him know how you feel about him, his actions, and how they hurt you? Maybe that's the first step. He may not have the cognitive ability to understand the depth of what you're saying, but at least you'll get your feelings out. It doesn't have to be in a mean way, but in an honest and heartfelt way. And if after that, you decide to create a little distance, not a hostile one, just a self-preservation one, then at least you let him know how you felt.
He needs to know that his actions, or lack thereof, have an impact. I believe he has absolutely no clue. The only thing that he cares about at this point are his church "friends." Why do you suppose that is? How do they feed his wants and needs? That's the question that interests me.
Being in a family isn't always easy. That's why God has provided us with so many good friends.
One day, your brother may see the light; recognize that he hasn't been present for you. Or he may not. Even though he says he misses his brother who passed away, he doesn't hesitate to talk very badly about him, even after his tragic death.
As for family, you do have a sister who worships you and sees you. Loves you. And wants the best for you, always. You also have some great friends who are loving and supportive.
Perhaps now is the time to look at what you have and the people in your orbit who care.
In the meantime, reach out to those who need you and who can offer you support. There are plenty of people out there lying in wait.
Mount Horeb
Yes- I now know for sure blood is not thicker that water. Of course.
And yes the word narcissist has been thrown out A LOT - and I’m like really who is the narcissist?
I will absolutely not discuss one issue with him that’s making feel bad.
No way no how!
He will turn it around and make it my problem- that he has not done anything AND it will get twisted. I 100 percent believe this because we have had a talk about how his negativity affects me in the past and how I have distanced myself from him for that and he turned it around saying that now he’s afraid to be himself when be talks to me. And that he accepts me I need to accept him- but I’m already myself dealing with my issues and don’t need whipped topping of negativity to crown it. I just can’t.
I will not talk to him about this. As you know how he’s disowned his own daughter- and grand kids-
I will continue to be vapid and available when he calls to see what’s going on- shortly about me then go onto his dialogue of all is drama- and that’s going to be it- my expectations of a loving brother that would do anything for me is obliterated.
In my head I keep saying ‘ choke on it’ if the tables turn.
But I know I won’t.
I won’t make myself available to abuse however. It is what is. Sad. It true. I know I’m not the only one.
‘Family’ is weird and so is life.
I will just do the best to keep focused on the good.
Sanatana
I understand all you wrote. And it makes complete sense. I get why talking to him would be words falling on deaf ears. And yes, I believe that he will get defensive and turn things around. You're right not to put yourself in a toxic situation. Surround yourself with the light of the souls who love and support you. There are many of us. He does have quite a few issues that need to be dealt with, but they never will, I'm afraid.
In the meantime, be polite when he calls. Don't disclose anything that he might throw back at you ... "Well, you like to be alone!" Those kinds of things. You know what I mean.
In spite of his deep core issues, you can continue to be a loving soul. That's what so many of us love about you. You are unique and amazing. Just always know that.
Reach out to the people that will give back.
Focus on what you have, and mentally let go of what you don't.