Dissent is our right. But kindness wins the day.

Whether you’re outspoken or not, you are a dissenter. Even if you politely bite your tongue as all the loudmouths in the room battle it out, your mind is actively deducing, analyzing, and judging whether or not you agree with what’s being said.

It’s human to judge and dissent. But can we do more to rock the boat from a place in the heart?

Dissent can be toxic and ugly. It can also be eloquent and heartfelt, and uplift a nation. If we can learn how to remain squarely centered in our hearts during such encounters, we’d likely be a nation that lives up to the promise of being “…indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

A healthy democracy thrives on dissent. But in both personal or public encounters, our method of dissenting predicts its outcome. Will the person on the receiving end of your words feel respected? Certainly, that should be our goal. Maya Angelou summed it up this way, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

There are many ways in which good people unknowingly insult others through their style of dissenting. Here’s an example of a bit of conversation that triggers a dissenting remark:

Joe: I think I may have had Covid early on without ever presenting symptoms…it was long before a vaccine was available.

Karen (interrupting, scoffing): Oh no, absolutely not! You definitely would’ve gotten very sick—that’s been proven.

Joe: Well, actually, you’re misinformed. For every person who had symptoms, there were ten others who didn’t.

Karen: I’ve never heard that! Sure sounds like a bunch of BS to me! After all, without symptoms, no one could possibly know they had it. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. It’s ridiculous.

In the example above, both Joe and Karen were unkind to each other. Karen interrupted, scoffed, and disrespected Joe’s belief. Joe fired back condescendingly, accusing Karen of lacking accurate information. Karen’s ego then asserted itself: since she hadn’t heard about the study Joe referenced, there couldn’t possibly be any truth to it.

All too often, people’s style of dissent is authoritarian, as was Karen and Joe’s. This “my way or the highway” style is incendiary. Had the disagreement escalated beyond intolerance and disdain, it might have morphed into raised voices with low blows—and, as is so common today, one might have wished the other to burn in hell.

Fortunately, there’s another way to dissent. Let’s call it the “road less travelled” style. Let’s see how that works with Joe and Karen:

Joe: I think I may have had Covid early on without ever presenting symptoms…it was long before a vaccine was available.

Karen: Really? I find that hard to believe. Back then, if it didn’t kill you, at least it would have made you deathly ill. Anyhow, how could you possibly know for sure? There were no tests back then.

Joe: Well, I have no proof or evidence. It’s just a hunch. No doubt you’re familiar with the studies done with sewage systems to determine the prevalence of Covid in key cities. According to the result of the studies, it seems for every person who got sick, there were another ten people who had the virus without symptoms.

Karen: Wow. I must have missed that study. Tell me more.

Joe: Sure, I’d be happy to send you a copy, if you’re interested.

In this second example, Karen admitted her disbelief but remained open to Joe’s point of view. Joe, in turn, heard Karen out without getting his feathers ruffled, allowing his reality to be challenged and admitting it was a hunch instead of fact. Later, by suggesting Karen was likely familiar with the studies, he intentionally made a point of respecting her knowledge.

Here are some key takeaways on practicing the art of thoughtful dissent:

1. Avoid language such as “You’re wrong,” “You’re misinformed,” “That’s not correct,” or “That’s absolutely not true.” These mean-spirited phrases are accusatory and diminishing to the other. Also, avoid using a comeback that begins with “Well, actually…” This is a patronizing dismissal of the other person’s point of view while imposing your own as more “actual” than theirs.

2. When something is said that you know is not factual, don’t roll your eyes, shake your head, scoff, or interrupt. Let the person finish. When they do, be sure to acknowledge you heard them. A simple nod of the head will do, especially if what they said leaves you speechless.

3. If you disagree with what someone says, don’t correct them or shut them down. Instead, praise them for caring about the subject under discussion and appreciate their passion. If you happen to be their boss and have an obligation to give them a more factual viewpoint, validate their persona first. This will allow them to save face and feel worthy.

4. If someone respectfully criticizes your judgments, give some respect in return. In doing so, you’ll recognize that your heart is open. Dissent does not mean the other person disrespects you. It just means their own worldview has different roots than yours. However, if they erupt into laughter while adding a condescending “You fell for that?,” try laughing along with them, reaffirming your belief: “Yeah, it’s the truth, but I get why it’s hard to believe. I couldn’t believe it at first either.” That might take them off guard and give them pause.

Ultimately, we are on this planet to care for each other. This is what it means to live in a society, and this is the first goal we should keep in mind. It’s up to us to provide such care to each other.

Likewise, it’s up to the government (who we duly elect) to make and execute laws that protect us all. But when those laws are dismissed as inconvenient, dismantled, or are outright ignored, there will be dissent. We live in such an era. Being open-hearted may be our best survival strategy. Right now, there’s evidence we must do better.